It is important to communicate your feelings to the person you are in a relationship with. Communication is key for success in any type of relationship, and the best way to do so is in a calm manner. When you feel like he gets defensive when you tell him how you feel, there can be many reasons why that might be happening. One reason may be that he doesn’t know what he did wrong because he wasn’t aware of your feelings or didn’t understand them correctly. In this article, we will discuss signs that show if it’s time to talk about communication issues and ways on how to have these conversations without being aggressive.
The first mistake people make during an argument is reacting defensively instead of listening to what the other person is really saying.
Here are some common defensive responses and why they’re so damaging to a relationship:
You’re just too sensitive.
What are you, my parent?
I’m not the one who’s angry!
Don’t tell me what to do; it doesn’t work for me.
Why can’t we talk about this later? (i.e., he wants his partner to stop making him feel bad)
Here is a different approach: “I know that was hard for you, and I really want to hear why.” If your partner does share their feelings with you in response, try saying “It sounds like this was very painful for you.” And when they respond by telling you how hurt they were or how mad they felt because of something somebody said or did, you can say “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
Here are some tips for dealing with defensiveness–at any point during a disagreement.
Take a break; don’t respond right away: sometimes we need some space from something before responding calmly and rationally take care of yourself first by taking five minutes alone (or outside) so that you can return to the conversation fully present. Go ahead and breathe deeply while you’re at it.
Allow the other person to be defensive: we all have our own way of handling things, and it’s likely that your partner has a reason for being on edge–or defensiveness this doesn’t mean he or she is intentionally trying to hurt you. It just means there might be something else going on besides the disagreement at hand; maybe they’re feeling stressed about work, running low on sleep, hungry, etc. Give them some space while listening intently with empathy so they know you care without interruption or judgment. After allowing time for their neediness to calm down (which may take days), gently bring up what was upsetting in the disagreement again in hopes of finding a resolution together.
Remember feelings are complex: It can be hard to manage our own feelings, let alone someone else’s. Understand that people do not have a set series of reactions when they feel something.
Take time for yourself:
It’s important to honor your needs and desires too–especially if you’re feeling drained from the relationship or at risk for neglecting them in order to make sure your partner feels okay. This is called “self-compassion.”
Allow for mistakes:
We all make mistakes, but many people feel ashamed and guilty when they do. This is often a result of what was modeled to them as children or adults–a need not met that made them feel bad about themselves in the past (remember our coping skills?).
Listen with empathy: Intently paying attention without interruption or judgment in order to understand their point of view.
Remember feelings are complex due to individual differences; don’t assume there’s a set series of reactions one should have when feeling something.
Take time for yourself to fulfill your needs and desires too–especially if you’re feeling drained from the relationship or at risk for neglecting them in order to make sure your partner is happy.
Spend time together and talk about anything without judgment–even if it’s just to feel heard what they’re feeling, not tell them what you think should be done.
Identify the unhealthy behaviors:
Put relationship problems on the back burner in order to focus on other things that fulfill your own needs for a while.
Think of ways he might try to get defensive when you start talking about how you feel and come up with strategies beforehand so he doesn’t create emotional distance from himself or accuse you unfairly of blaming him (remember our coping skills?). It helps to practice these conversations first before having them with one another too! 😉
